The cool water runs
through my toes as I stare out into the abyss
A shiver runs down my
spine
The moon casts its
eerie glow
Like a wary toddler I
inch back
The water beckons to
me
Waving me forward – I
listen
My eyes follow the
flow of the current
Bringing me deeper and
deeper
Up to my neck in the
clear blue
Salt stings my nose
A rush in the wind
like a fleeing doe
I am engulfed by the
sparkling blue
Silence
The steady beat of my
heart thumps
This seems familiar
Being rocked back and
forth
Breathing as one
I lift my eyes
A steady ripple
appears
Surrounding my head
with rings upon rings
Overcome by a release
Only waves can do
"Updated: October 13 2014"
The images throughout the whole poem were so vivid and beautiful. I like how the speaker is reluctant to go into the water at first, but then is beckoned back in. It almost seems like the speaker was drawn in by a spell, especially with the "moon casting its eerie glow" and the "flow of the current bringing me deeper and deeper." There's something calming, yet dangerous, about the poem, as if the speaker should be cautions even though she claims to be "engulfed by bliss" at the end. This was definitely the most descriptive poem I've read so far; you definitely showed, not tell. -Abigail Adler
ReplyDeleteThis poem exemplifies what it means to show and not just tell. The imagery was so strong I could almost hear the water. Your use of different body parts, toes, nose, neck, eyes, heart, gave a very accurate depiction of how the subject felt the water at different points in the poem. The progression of the story and emotions is very smooth and fluid.
ReplyDeleteWhatever the writer's intentions, I think this poem can be read literally, as an encounter with the ocean, or as a metaphor, as deep spiritual or emotional struggle. Maybe a clue into the what it was a metaphor for would have been helpful to the reader.
The repetition of "clear blue" and then "sparkling blue" could use a minor revision I think.
I loved the peacefulness of this poem and I think “peace” is the perfect title. As I was reading I could picture myself as the reader. I think that when the reader can picture themselves in the shoes of the speaker, this is a well described poem. I am unclear though if this is just a description of running into the waters of the ocean or if this is a metaphor for something deeper.
ReplyDeleteoverall, I think this is a great poem!
Great job! You did a wonderful job of "showing, not telling."
ReplyDeleteI like how you started the poem with a long line, while the rest of the poem sticks to basically similar length lines, with a break for "Silence." This creates a steady flow, contributing to the peaceful sensationsyou hope to convey to your readers.
You did a great job with the way you made it seem as if you were having a conversation with the water. My favorite lines are "The water beckons to me,
Waving me forward," giving the ocean some personification. I like that in the beginning, you seem wary, unsure whether to enter or not. However, by the end, you say you are "breathing as one." Good job on creating this transition!
This poem makes me quite relaxed, so first of all thanks for that! I love the language in the poem. Its clever how you describe the water as "waving me forward" because of wave and water, but you also seem to be describing a wave in the sense of a hand gesture. I like the alliteration in the line "my eyes follow the flow of the current", it creates a nice rhythm for the line. Both references to the blue (clear and sparkling) are nice but i feel like maybe you don't need both, especially because they're pretty close together in the poem. I'm a drop confused by the line "Breathing as one"-it implies that there are to people breathing, but i don't really understand who the other person is-unless maybe it has to do with the line before it "being rocked back and forth" which i would assume refers to a parent rocking the child in which case the breathing as one is the parent and child, but I'm not sure? I love the last line, it really captures the feeling a peace and serenity in the poem! Great job!!
ReplyDeleteYes, as some of the others have indicated in their comments, you do a good job showing and not telling in this poem. That is, except for the last line, where I feel you lean too hard on the abstraction "bliss."
ReplyDeleteI would love it even more if you cut your current last line and tried to portray the bliss without mention it. Use physical details, as you do elsewhere in the poem, to make the bliss come to life without labeling it.
Maybe you should extend the image in the line "A steady ripple appears." Maybe by describing the speaker's perception of the ripples, you could portray the feeling of bliss in your descriptive details. I was struck by the idea that more could be done with the waters' ripples.
Hope this helps.
I really enjoyed this poem! I think the mood you set is awesome and it starts with the cool title and starts the calming mood of being on the ocean and thinking about the life that is floating by.
ReplyDeleteI also think that you did an amazing job showing and not telling, especially the part that says "Bringing me deeper and deeper
Up to my neck in the clear blue" which helps clearly visualize the image you are trying to portray.
I also loved the line about the toddler. I think the toddler is a good description of peace because of the young age and how he hasnt been though enough to not be in a peaceful place yet.
Great Job!!
Your imagery is really clearly portrayed! Loved that. If I had to criticize one thing, it would be to use the "cool silk" metaphor more than clearly stating "water" (like in the first line.) Otherwise, really well done!
ReplyDelete