Stolen Moment
Kissed by the sun she lies in near exhaust
Caressed by lover’s arms never leaving
Legs entwined a bond never to be lost
Breath stolen away by looks of thieving
Hair once up has been drawn down to shoulders
Framing a path to worlds filled with secrets
A finger’s touch leaving her more bolder
A pleasure’s charm rendering her sleepless
Honeyed lips the essence of temptation
A blush of pink tickling her soft cheeks
Never to let go of this sensation
Reaching to her mountains most highest peak
Desire trickling down her curved spine
Seduced by a passion shattering time
I looove what you did here. So provocative, and you gave a kind of delicate feel to such a passionate poem which is cool. Great job with meter, the only thing that was difficult for me was the emphasis, as in, in many of the lines, the emphasis is put at different points in the line. I hope that makes sense, I'm not sure if you can change around words to make the emphasis more consistent, but either way, great job, I'm a big fan.
ReplyDeleteYou truly captured the the abstract idea of passion through these beautiful, vivid images. In such a short space, I could feel how lost the speaker was in her passion at this very moment. I enjoyed the specific sensations you used to paint the images- "breath stolen away", "a finger's touch", "legs entwined", and "a blush of pink" were among my favorites. One suggestion I have for you to switch out the abstractions- "pleasure", "desire" , "passion"- for something more concrete. I feel like if you remove the abstractions, you can develop stronger images like the ones that are present in the rest of the poem. -Abigail Adler
ReplyDeleteI thought that this was a very heartfelt poem that captures the moments of passion. I think you did a good job of showing not telling. I feel like at some points the lines seem a little vague but I think that over all this is a creative sonnet!
ReplyDeleteI like how you wrote your sonnet without breaking it up into stanzas. I think it goes especially well with the content of your poem and gives it a nice flow instead of choppy feelings. It's nicely unified. I really like the verbs you used in the poem-their more specific instead of the classic abstract ones that often get used. I would maybe change the line " a fingers touch leaving her more bolder", it seems a bit awkward. Overall though, great job!!
ReplyDeleteI think the word seduced which was stated in the last stanza really did close of the passionate poem in such a right way.
ReplyDeleteI loved your descriptive language, especially the line " A blush of pink tickling her soft cheeks", it was so creative and has such a great use of words.
It was great mix of love poem and sonnet.
Your use of rhymes at the end of the line didnt feel forced and seemed to really fit.
Constructively, I feel like the organization of the awesome lines can be improved by maybe placing the lines that go together more closer to each other. An example of a good time where this was seen was "Caressed by lover’s arms never leaving
Legs entwined a bond never to be lost"
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ReplyDeleteNice work attempting to write a sonnet. They are quite a challenge, and hearing the meter takes some practice. Your rhyme scheme is already a sonnet if we include the off and slant rhymes, but your meter is off.
ReplyDeleteI would love to see you work on the rhythms in this poem, revising by voice and ear as we have been practicing. Remember: iambic pentameter is five two-syllable units in which most of the units follow a patter of unstressed, then stressed.
Some of these lines are close to iambic pentameter. With a little more tweaking, they can be in meter. Below are two examples. For both examples, the first line is your original, and in the second, I revise it to iambic pentameter for you.
"Legs entwined a bond never to be lost"
Legs entwined a bond that's never lost
"Desire trickling down her curved spine"
Desire trickles down her curving spine
The words "thieving" and "leaving" are not iambs. They follow a stressed, then unstressed pattern. So it's nearly impossible to use them as end words in a sonnet, as you do here in lines two and four.
The same thing goes for "shoulders" and "bolder." Again, those words are the opposite of iambs (called trochees) and follow a stressed then unstressed pattern. The same also goes for "sleepless" and "secrets." All of the lines that end with those words end in a meter other than iambic pentameter.
I hope these comments help you to revise the poem closer to a traditional sonnet. I'm looking forward to our meeting.